the last few days have been, well, interesting.  for one, i’ve encountered two things that led me believe i might have two separate warrants out for my arrest.  they are both stupid, simple things that really just came down to the fact that i am less organized than i should be and didn’t pay fines on time.  luckily, after getting pulled over by a cop the other day, the night did not end with me in handcuffs in the back of a squad car.  instead he made up the convenient excuse that my license light was out (though it may very well be, as this has happened before), but it’s fairly clear to me that when old sweetpea with her peeling paint and less than attractive shape (i absolutely love her, so pigs can fuck off) drives through wealthier areas, she’s screwtinized.  it’s really sad to see this, because i know that for the most part i’m usually fine.  sure, if i’ve been to the bar that evening, or in these cases, afraid that i might have a warrant, i worry that i might get hassled a bit, but i’m always safe and so it doesn’t ever turn into anything bad.  but for me, it’s just inconvenient.  however, for certain people, this could be a big thing in their life.  someone who is struggling to pay bills, working hard, and barely has enough for a car, might drive a similar make or year and will be equally followed and hassled.  this sucks to think about.  i’m some young white kid, so usually things are ok, and i’ve realized how to talk to cops after having to deal with them so many times, but what about the young hispanic kid, or older black man?  they could be coming home late from work, just wanting to go to bed and now some asshole is giving them the third degree?  it sucks and it makes me sick and i don’t know what i can do about it.  but i suppose i digress (though this digression is one that sheds light on something i’ve thought loads about.  this year of a thousand roommates is a bit bullshit, no?  some priviledged white kid “gives up” his home in search of friends and fun.  sometimes i feel ridiculous, selfish and almost insulting.  isn’t there better things i can be doing with my time?  working in an innercity school or volunteering or fighting the injustice that makes me sick?  i think about this a lot and the only thing that’s saved me from hating myself is that i realize while i truly care about all of those things, i don’t have the passion for them that i do playing music and traveling.  and i realize this is incredibly selfish, but i suppose i’m hoping that we’re all “meant” to do certain things, and to not do that “thing,” we’re not playing our role in the greater cosmos or life or what have you.  right now i believe i’m doing my “thing,” and so perhaps i can contribute in other ways.  perhaps this is also a bullshit excuse, i’m not sure.  so goes my digression.)

anyway, it turns out i don’t have anything attached to my license, at least not in a way that made this cop care, and i was let go.  then i realized i’d not gone to a court date for a parking ticket (which was total bullshit, by the way), but was just able to pay it online.  ugh.  but yes, it was taken care of and hopefully i’ll be fine.  i keep having these visions of one day just walking through NJ or getting pulled over and somehow realizing that so much happened this year unbeknown to me that i will spend years trying to sort it out.   hopefully this is not the case.

by the way, last night was ridiculous.  there was an inspiring young girl who sang old jazz and country standards with a voice i did not expect.  it was a pleasant surprise.  the show itself was rather sparesely attended but i tried my best to rally and played a few songs.  then the main attraction, a young kid who seemed to have a view of himself and his music that did not in any way shape or form agree with the vision i had.  his acoustic set was followed by his “techno” set, during which i questioned all sorts of existence.  suffice it to say, what was left of the love and positivity i felt coming out of san diego was stripped from me with a quickness, leaving only questions of my worth and what the hell i’m doing with my life, sitting in my hands.

today, though, maybe things will look up.  and last night i did a bunch of reading on india.  i’m so excited i’m going to see my brother and experience this thing that is just on a completely different level.  it really makes my current travels seem a joke, and also already makes me want to experience this whole crazy, amazing world.  i feel like when i return from the tail end of the year of a thousand roommates, i will be on a different level, having seen areas of the world some only dream about.  obviously there are millions who live there or have visited, but as an american, especially from new jersey and especially the town in which i grew up, i will be in the minority.  and this makes me happy.